It’s been almost 2 weeks since I delivered my angel baby. I’ll spare all of the details, but overall there was no complications. I was pretty weak for the first few days, but I’ve been gaining strength. It was not quite as taxing as when I gave birth to my 37 week daughter, but definitely more intense than an early miscarriage.
Physically, I am healing.
Emotionally, I’m not there yet. Some days are better than others.
I decided that I did want to see my baby, and I’m really glad that I did. I didn’t look at the baby’s entire body, though I wish now that I had. I also wished that I had taken photos. The hospital gave me one photo but it’s really hard to see the baby in it. They had the most perfect little face and teeny tiny fingers. However, in addition to the bladder obstruction, the baby’s skull didn’t fully form or close. The doctor did mention that the bladder obstruction could be an indicator of more problems, and he was right. Unfortunately this problem also has a very poor prognosis. It’s basically incompatible with life. It gives me some peace that this child is better in Jesus’ arms, but it doesn’t make the grief any less. The baby was young enough that they weren’t able to determine the gender, and we opted not to do any testing. It was pretty clear to us why the baby didn’t make it. I suspect that the baby may have been a boy because the bladder obstruction happens more commonly in boys, but there’s no way to know for sure.
I still wanted to give baby a name. I chose Shiloh. Shiloh is traditionally a boys name but it’s also used for girls as well. Shiloh means, “safe, peaceful, tranquil, god’s gift, abundance” because Shiloh was born ‘sleeping,’ and because we are proclaiming our faith that God will provide another gift, a future child. I may never know or understand why Shiloh had so many problems, but he did.
It seems like I have seen newborn babies and obviously pregnant women more than usual, though it’s probably just because it’s on my mind so I notice it more.
Either way, my heart just aches for what I’ve lost.
A month ago, everything was going well and I was so excited to have another child. Yesterday I looked at a photo from then and my smile was just so genuinely happy. It’s hard for me to look at now. How quickly I went from happiness to despair. Hopefully some day, I will be happy like that again and be able to bring a baby home.
A friend shared this scripture with me:
17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
Psalms 34:17-20 NKJV
God never promised that we wouldn’t suffer, but he did say that he would be close to those who have a broken heart. I am clinging to that.0