In a way, I am disappointed that I’m back to my highest weight again. Really and truly. But if anything, it has taught me that beating myself up over it does not help anything. One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein which says, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.” Case. In. Point. If anything, the last 27 years of my life have shown that self-depreciating behavior does NOT work. Being depressed does NOT work. Declaring war on food and my body does NOT work. But old habits die hard.

Resolution #1 – Stop the Insanity

I am fat. I may always be fat, and that’s OK. Fat is just a body type, it does not mean that I am lazy, a pig, ugly, unworthy, unhealthy, etc. Aside from being a body shape, it does not define ME. And thus, it is not worthwhile to hate myself because of the fat. My resolution this year is to stop the self-loathing. Yes, maybe I am higher than I’d really like to be at, but at the same time, my body is amazing and I live in it every day. I should respect it, love it, and take care of it so it will last many years to come. If I hate my body, then I won’t be inclined to take care of it. If I feel defeated and depressed, then I will cycle through destructive behaviors. That doesn’t work!

Resolution #2 – Eat Mindfully

Counting calories works in the beginning, but eventually I stop logging and the weight piles back on. Which means, logging calories doesn’t actually teach me how to deal with hunger and fullness very well, because I rely on my head knowledge on how much and what to eat instead of instinct. Therefore, my instinct will continue to be off, eat too quickly and eat more than needed at times. By slowing down and really considering if I am hungry before I take another bite, I can learn to adequately gauge my hunger, and become more in tune with what my body needs, including what TYPE of food my body wants to operate optimally, despite how much food is on my plate.

Resolution #3 – Watch Less TV, Create/Write/Exercise More

Lately I tend to get into watching a show and watch one episode after another every night. This is NOT the most productive way to spend time, although it’s tempting after a long day at work. I need to get back into a routine of regular cleaning/laundry, and, instead of watching TV I could spend some time reading, writing in my journal or blogging, or even creating videos for YouTube or working on my hobbies (jewelry making, Scentsy, etc), exercising, going for walks, and other outdoor activities.

Resolution #4 – Waste Not

I tend to throw out a lot of food because I don’t eat it before it goes bad. Two things need to happen: cook more, and buy less food at a time. Plan meals so more of the stuff I am buying gets used, and keep myself on a schedule. I also tend to buy a lot of cosmetics, nail polish and other stuff that I don’t really need and end up getting rid of at some point, so I’d like to make a more conscious effort to use up the products I have before considering another purchase, and keep the spending down to a minimum.

Resolution #5 – Be a Better Person

I would like to pray more, read the bible more, and in general be more kind and loving toward others by keeping a more positive mindset (kind of goes in line with Resolution #1) and disposition. Be encouraging to others instead of being critical. Be forgiving. Always find something nice to say about someone, instead of focusing on the negative. Seek to uplift everyone and REALLY listen to them. Pray for them. Try and be a good Christ-like example to everyone.

What are some of your resolutions? Do you always resolve to the same things every year, or do you ever accomplish your resolutions? Do you even bother to make resolutions every year? I debated about whether to write some for 2013 myself, but I find it helps give me focus and outline some goals for the next year. These are things that I always try and work towards, but in some ways find myself lacking, or at the very least, consider that I could do even better than I have in the past.

As an imperfect human, as we all are, I think it’s important to acknowledge our weaknesses and put a plan together for self-improvement. I also think that you should break up your resolutions into smaller chucks that you are more likely to be successful with. For example, a resolution like “Lose a bunch of weight” would be a really lofty goal… I’ve made that resolution for a long time only to be disappointed year after year, whereas a resolution like, “eat more vegetables” is something I can actually take steps toward and accomplish without tying it to something really difficult to achieve. Sometimes it’s hard not to resolve to do something really broad, but as much as possible, try and break it down into something manageable for you to actually have steps to complete. Then maybe this time next year, you’ll actually have made some changes in your life for the better. Maybe not 100%, but life is not about perfection, it’s about progress.

I hope that you all have a fantastic 2013… I have high hopes that this will be a banner year for me. It’s 10 years from when I graduated high school, and my 5th wedding and work anniversary. My dad and sister are both visiting me earlier in the year, we may be purchasing a home soon, I recently got a promotion at work & we just moved our office, and I’m really excited about the possibility of trying to conceive this year so we can add a little one to our happy family. Yes, 2013 is going to be awesome, seriously.

I love food when I am in the mood to cook, when I have a craving for something I really enjoy, when I savor a rich, smooth and sweet piece of chocolate, or a crispy piece of bacon, the crunchy, salty, cheesiness of tortilla chips and queso, the tangy sweet french salad dressing with fresh spring greens, carrots, red onions, and cottage cheese, sauteed green beans in butter with ground sea salt and pepper, a thick, juicy medium rare steak with A-1, thick and chunky mashed potatoes with garlic and gravy. Soft pretzels with sweet mustard. Creamy, runny, rich eggs Benedict. Creamy macaroni and cheese, preferably from a homemade sauce made with real cream and cheese melted and poured over noodles. Sesame or orange chicken where the sauce is soaked up in the white rice.

Yes, there are definitely some foods that I enjoy. No doubt about it. But some of those things have made me feel guilty for eating them in the past. Sometimes, I have gotten so disappointed with myself that I do not trust myself to make the right food choices for my body and would rather forget the aspect of eating and swallow a tasteless nutritional pill or supplement to avoid eating all together. Sometimes, I just don’t want to bother thinking about food, preparing food, or even taking the time to eat it. When I was younger and on summer break, I would sometimes go until dinner time without eating because I was too busy to bother eating. When I did eat, I would inhale the food, barely tasting it, only as a means to quiet my hunger and move on to my daily activities. Even today, lunch time is usually a rush and I often eat at my desk at work.

Eating too fast can definitely lead to weight gain, or at least, eating more than your body desires, because it often takes about 20 minutes for your stomach to signal your brain to stop eating. When you eat too quickly, you may eat more than your body requires and not realize it until it’s too late. I know for a fact that I have done this far too many times. And lately, if I get to that point anymore, it’s so uncomfortable that I throw up, and then proceed to beat myself up for not slowing down and paying attention to my hunger level as I eat. I’m definitely a visual eater — what’s on my plate, I eat. I was part of the clean plate club as a child, and I’m just used to eating what’s there. It’s very hard for me to eat slowly, and to leave food on my plate if I am no longer hungry.

Since starting the Health at Every Size approach, and giving myself permission to eat what I please, as long as I listen to my body, has been a challenge to say the least. I have gained a couple of pounds (I know, I know, I’m not supposed to look, but I am curious to see how my weight is doing day to day and it’s NOT a trigger for me anymore). Learning to eat is hard, because I’m still making the same mistakes and I realize it may take a little while for me to adjust and learn how to listen to my body. I will make mistakes while I am learning, that’s part of it. The biggest thing, is that I need to stop beating myself up if I make a mistake. My body is a complex, powerful thing and it can handle it. I just need to relax and allow myself to make mistakes and learn from them.

The holidays are a trigger for me because so much of it revolves around food. What happens is that I’m hungry while waiting for the holiday meal, so I fill up on finger food and appetizers. By the time the meal is on the table, I’m no longer hungry because I ate too many appetizers and spoiled my dinner, but everyone else is sitting down at the table and everything looks so good that I can’t pass it up. I actually have more issues with overeating during holidays, parties, get-togethers, etc, then I do on a day-to-day basis. I tend to gain 5-15 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years because of it.

After the last time I overstuffed myself and threw up, leaving broken capillaries all around my eyes and cheeks; I swore I would not do it again. I will certainly be making a more conscious effort throughout the year to become more mindful with my eating, so that maybe next year I can be better prepared for it. And, maybe make some of my favorite dishes throughout the year so when the holidays come I don’t feel as though I will have to wait another year to enjoy something I really love.

How are you coping with learning to eat again? Do you find it easy to adapt, or are you struggling with it like I am?

I haven’t posted a recipe in awhile, I know I have been neglecting my poor little blog. And I know that I often don’t include a photo with my recipes, because I don’t always think to take a picture until it’s halfway eaten AND, if I do take a photo before I happen to eat it, it’s just my luck that it’s dark out so the lighting is terrible AND the photo ends up blurry because I am taking it on my phone and not taking too great of care. I promise I am a somewhat better (OK, OK, I’m still an amature photographer) at taking photos than this… but I am usually too lazy to take out my really old 6MP DSLR camera. My iPhone CAN take good photos, but sadly, these are lacking. At least I tried to put them on a pretty plate for you, so give me some props for that at least!

Anyway, on to the food, shall we?

If you’re like me, you have a massive sweet tooth (which is why you try and avoid having a lot of sweets in your house). Anything is better if it’s a little sweet, right? That’s why I love onions and ham and bacon a lot, because they go so well with a little sugar or fruit, amirite? So it goes without saying that I LOVE Monte Cristo sandwiches. What’s not to like? Ham, cheese, dipped in a sweet batter, fried with powdered sugar on top and dipped in JAM??? Sign me up!!! The only problem is that deep frying is a bit too heavy for me. Fried foods and I don’t mix very well. I also like things to be very easy to make, otherwise I tend to NOT make them unless I am feeling particularly foodie that day.

Enter, stuffed crescent rolls.

I’m sure you could make these fancier by using different cheeses, homemade dough and whatnot. Despite what I just said about making things easy, I am also a walking contradiction because I also like to make fancy things. So I would definitely be the person mixing several different cheeses together, adding spices or maybe some sweet mustard to the mix, and then pitting fresh cherries and sauteeing them with sugar a bit instead of jam… but seriously. The easy route is very basic, and you can always get fancier if you’re up to it.

Ingredients

Seriously, this is it. And I usually have all of this in the house at any given time which means… I can have them whenever I want!!

• 1 can of crescent rolls
• Plain cream cheese
• Ham
• Jam (I used blackberry because it was the first jar of jam I found in the refrigerator)

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Spread cream cheese on ham slice, and spoon a little jam on top of that.
3. Roll up with a crescent roll.
4. Make sure the ends are sealed up as much as possible.
5. Bake for 15-20 minutes or until the tops a slightly golden brown.
6. Contain yourself for a few minutes until they have cooled down enough to eat.

I made these as an appetizer, but then proceeded to spoil my dinner by eating about 3 of them in 3 minutes. I have a church potluck next Sunday, and I think I’m going to make a batch or two of these. I love to bring something that’s no-fuss — that, and there is usually about a 1:1 ratio for sweets and savory items. The people at my church do NOT mess around with their desserts.

LA traffic is no joke. Because we missed our first flight, we ended up in rush hour. It took us 2 hours to drive 20 miles.

This summer I went to California for my brother’s wedding. On the way out, we missed our direct flight, and ended up having to catch a later flight with a connection. The only seats available together on both flights were in the emergency row in the middle of the plane, which I actually didn’t mind because there was a lot of extra leg room. However, if you have to use a seat extender, then you’re not allowed to sit in that row. I guess the theory is that if you are fat, you won’t be able to assist in opening the emergency door and assisting people.

The first flight was fine, the seatbelt fit perfectly and there was plenty left over. However, on the second flight, it wasn’t long enough. I tried to catch the attention of the attendent several times to let her know (since I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sit there with an extender), but she ignored me. Finally, I said, “ma’am, I need a seat extender–” she cut me off gruffly, and said, “Well, then you can’t sit here.” Perhaps it was just my imagination, but she seemed annoyed. I said, “I know, I was trying to get you attention.”

Hey look! California mountains!

At any rate, the whole ordeal was quite embarrassing  because she had to change my seat out with someone else and I wasn’t able to sit next to my husband. I ended up sitting next to a very nice lady and we chatted for a bit, and I shared some of my complimentary snacks with her.

Which, it was nice that they offered a complimentary snack for my cooperation–I joked to myself, man, maybe I should sit in the emergency exit every time I fly–but, it floored me that these flights were back to back, and I didn’t get any fatter between them. If it was OK for me to sit in the emergency row on the first flight, what was so different about the second flight? A couple of inches of seatbelt webbing? You’d think this sort of thing would be standardized but it’s not. All that went through my mind was, gee, maybe the inconsistent seatbelt length shouldn’t be an indicator of whether or not you can sit in the emergency row.

My husband John on the mountain.

Typically I avoid the emergency exit row, but in this situation it was unavoidable because it was a last minute arrangement. Missing the flight was already stressful and I was very upset about it. It was the first time I had ever missed a flight before. The physical aspect of flight doesn’t bother me: I’ve been on airplanes since I was a wee girl and my dad kept me jet-setting most summers so I’ve had plenty of experience flying. However, since I’ve been so fat, I do have a little anxiety about fitting in the seat, having to ask for an extender if that particular seat belt isn’t long enough (as I mentioned above, sometimes it’s fine, sometimes it’s not). Some planes have narrower seats than others, some have less pitch.

My mom & I at the Huntington Library & Gardens

Typically, when I am purchasing tickets I research the carrier and airplane to find out the specs, and try and choose a reasonable priced flight with the biggest seats and the longest pitches. But, if you miss your flight, that kind of backfires and you’ve got the luck of the draw. Even so, sometimes it’s hard to know how it’s going to be. On our flight home, the seats were pretty narrow and for some reason the middle armrest wouldn’t move up, so it was rather uncomfortable. Not to mention, that when you have to share an armrest, it can be difficult to have someone right next to you. I pray that there’s not a third person in our row so we can have an empty seat between us, but that doesn’t always happen, unless the flight isn’t completely booked.

My brother and his beautiful bride!

Not only is it uncomfortable to fly fat… it’s also uncomfortable to fly tall, and really, it’s not comfortable for anyone, unless you’re flying first class (who has the money for that?). I wish they would renovate the airplanes with wider, more comfortable seats. You’d have to take out some seats so that we aren’t crammed in like sardines, and therefore that would mean each flight would have to cost more as a result, but honestly, I think they could do it without charging first class prices. It’ll probably never happen, but a girl can dream.

Despite the embarrassment and uncomfortable seats the flight was worth it. I got to spend some time with my family, and see California through my adult eyes. We went into the mountains, down by the beach in Santa Monica, at the Huntington Library & Gardens in Pasadena, and of course, celebrated my little brother’s nuptials. At the end of the day, I’m not willing to put my life on hold because there may be some inconveniences in this world because I’m fat. Life goes on. One thing I’ve been avoiding are the theme parks here because the last time I went I was unable to go on most of the rides, but now I’m thinking I should go anyway, and stop focusing on the things I can’t do and more on what I can. Maybe that will be another post in the near future?

Unfortunately I don’t have all of the sources for each point (I’m organized, but, seriously, not THAT organized, I write recreationally on a blog — I don’t write reference and research material for a living), but I will include a brief references section at the bottom of this post where you can find more information if you are so inclined. In fact, if anything on here proves to be interesting, I wholeheartedly recommend that you check out everything I list at the end of this post.

20 Truths about Fat People

1. Studies show Overweight and Obese people on the BMI scale are healthier, live longer with or without a disease, and recover from illness better.
2. Studies show that Underweight individuals on the BMI scale have more health problems and don’t live as long as Obese individuals. Not to say that being underweight is morally wrong or should be shamed in any way whatsoever, it just goes to show how the “obesity epidemic” is flat out of steam.
3. In otherwords, the BMI scale is pretty much bunk, and not a worthwhile indicator of an individuals health, fat or thin.
4. There is no evidence to suggest that Obesity is life-threatening… in fact, we all have a 100% guaranteed mortality rate, fat or thin.
5. There is no data to suggest that fat causes type 2 diabetes, as much as there is evidence to suggest that type 2 diabetes causes weight gain. However, connection is not causation and there are a host of other factors at play… especially considering that thin people can also have type 2 diabetes.
6. The more a person diets, the higher their weight climbs…and we all have known for years that yo-yo dieting is hazardous to your health. Interestingly enough, many weight loss programs out now warn people about losing weight too quickly, and the dangers of quick weight loss are usually short-term and decrease your muscle mass instead of decreasing fat, which ultimately leads you to gain MORE weight, because muscle burns more calories than fat does.
7. Fat people can eat the same foods as a thin person, and still gain weight.
8. Thin people can eat “worse” foods than fat people, and not gain weight, while fat people can eat foods generally ascribed to as “nutritious” and either maintain or gain weight.
9. If you think that fat people are fat for the sole reason of eating too much food, and can easily reverse their weight by eating less and exercising more, then you might be surprised to learn there are no studies that support that belief, it is a myth. There are many factors at play ranging from genetics, to past dieting experiences, and of course, the entire state of food in this country. Case in point: processed foods may be part to blame for the excess weight in this country… yes, some people may eat this food frequently and still be “normal weight” — but fat people may be genetically disposed to hold on to this food in fat.
10. History shows that fatter people have faired better in survival than thin.
11. Despite the increase in obesity (which, by the way, has leveled off since 1999-2003 in women, men and children), there has been an increase in longevity, a decrease in heart disease and other diseases. Many of the life threatening diseases are happening much later in life, and in general America is much healthier than in the past despite all of the alarmist media proclamations and fear-mongering.
12. Studies show that overweight and obese senior citizens live longer than thin ones.
13. Gastric by-pass does not increase one’s lifespan. A frighteningly large portion of people who have weight loss surgery die within 5 years. There are also many ugly risks that many doctors gloss over. Most patients admit that the surgery has not increased the quality of their life, and have many health problems just due to the surgery. Personally, the only instances in where this surgery seems valid are in high risk situations where people cannot literately function due to their weight, i.e. a 600lb man who is confined to a bed, and is looking at dying in 6-9 months without any action. Weight loss surgery surely is a last resort in that situation. But for a teenager that is 60lbs “overweight” … a gross exaggeration, a perversion…I would never allow my son or daughter to go through that.
14. Weight loss in and of itself has not been proven to provide any lasting value to those suffering from hypertension, type 2 diabetes or other diseases, whereas a change toward a more healthful diet and moderate exercise (without intention to lose weight) has shown to be the actual solution, regardless to the amount of weight lost and maintained.
15. Many “health problems” patients have are due to the fact that doctors have prejudice against fat patients and don’t know how to treat them: they use the wrong blood pressure cuff, they don’t prescribe the right dosage needed, and in general act like fat patients are a burden. They also tend to blame everything on weight without checking things they might normally check on a thin person experiencing the same symptoms. Because of this, many things go undiagnosed creating more problems for fat people. Because of our culture, many fat people do not know how to advocate for themselves, and just plain avoid medical care even when it’s desperately needed.
16. Fat people are not a drain on society because they require more healthcare costs. Fat people are actually, in general, healthier than regular or underweight people. Shocking, I know. That’s not to say underweight or normal people are NOT healthy … many are. But thin people can also suffer from “expensive” diseases and cancer, so it’s hardly just the fat people.
17. Many fat people are discriminated against when interviewing for a job, at school, work, and any social situation. Even well meaning family members and friends can say hurtful things and discriminate against fat people without realizing it. Many fat people find it hard to get ahead, be taken seriously, or speak up to defend themselves and other fat people.
18. Fat people are often viewed as less attractive by mainstream media. Teenagers are self-conscious as it is, let alone telling them they are too fat and won’t be able to attract a member of the opposite sex, even though many people can and will be attracted to fat people. Sometimes, in certain environments, even if someone is attracted to a fat person they will not pursue them in fear of being teased or made fun of by their peers. Yes, some people will inevitably be attracted to thin people, there’s nothing wrong with that at all…but since such a large population of the world is fat, it’s unrealistic to assume that nobody finds fat people attractive, or even that fat people are sexual.
19. Fat people can and do have perfectly normal pregnancies and babies. Complications are sometimes invented unwittingly by doctors who are discriminating against their fat patients. True complications that happen for fat people are also happening to thin people, and the numbers are near identical, with fat people only having SLIGHTLY higher risk. That risk difference is significantly decreased in individuals who support a healthy, balanced diet and moderate exercise (fat or thin).
20. EVERYONE, fat or thin, can benefit from a healthy, balanced diet and moderate exercise, regardless to weight change or maintenance.

The end result: There is no morality on food, i.e. eating food does not make you bad, good, righteous or unrighteous. Any food can be part if a balanced, healthy diet that NOURISHES your body. Everyone can benefit from moderate activity and exercise. Being fat does not mean you are lazy, or impose any kind of moral hazard on the fat person or those around them. Being fat, does not mean unhealthy, and that assumption is incorrect and unethical.

References

If you read the following in earnst, you will learn what I wrote above and more. Pinky promise.

• Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight (Book)
• Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) (Book)
• Big, Beautiful, and Pregnant: Expert Advice and Comforting Wisdom for the Expecting Plus-Size Woman (Book)
• Plus Size Pregnancy (Website)
• Well-Rounded Mama (Blog)
• The Fat Nutritionist (Blog)

I know how people think. Fat people can’t have an eating disorder, they need to do everything they can to lose weight, and if they have negative feelings about their body then, well, GOOD. They should. It’s only a problem if a thin person who obviously is not fat, experinces the eating disorder symptoms. The article doesn’t state as such, but seriously, would someone read this symptoms list and give it the same credibility if the person was on the BMI chart as “obese” or “morbidly obese”?

Here’s the list from the article:

There’s a spectrum, Quinlan explains, ranging from disordered or dysfunctional eating up to full blown eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia. Early on there is a point where self-awareness and a push from family and friends can be enough to help a person put a stop to self-destructive behaviors. But past that point it can be extremely hard and take a lot of work.

How do you know if you, or a close friend or relative, is heading in that direction? Quinlan offers some important red flags:

• Excessive preoccupation with weight, body shape, calories and dieting, especially if it’s interfering with your social life, affecting your sleep, or making it hard to perform at work or school because you’re too distracted to focus
• Regularly feeling sad, angry or frustrated about your body
• Spending a lot of time comparing yourself to others—and always coming out the “loser”
• Keeping secrets about what you eat or hiding restrictive behaviors
• Observing food rituals, such as rearranging food on your plate or eating foods in a certain order
• Exercising obsessively, only for the purpose of burning calories (rather than health and fitness)
• Weighing yourself more than once a day, fasting, binging, taking laxatives or diet pills

If you find yourself engaging in these worrisome behaviors, reach out to a friend or a therapist to discuss your thoughts and feelings.

And even if someone read this article and realized that a fat friend had all of these symptoms, would they “help put an end to self-destructive behaviors” or would they encourage their friend to keep dieting so they can lose the weight instead, since, obviously it would be much healthier for them if they did, right?

The scary thing is that I could have checked off almost all of these symptoms either currently or in the past. Thankfully I have worked through some of these issues, but I’m sure there’s nary a fat person out there who couldn’t relate one way or another. It begs the question, why is there a double standard? Why are fat people expected to have an eating disorder, but as soon as a thin person has one, it’s awful. Well, it’s awful either way… and the truth is, that if a fat person has an eating disorder, then it may be one of the triggers for their weight gain. In fact, I am sure of it, especially in my own case. I never went to anorexia or bulimia to solve my weight issue, but as the article states: an eating disorder is more about your mental state than anything. I, too, only ever saw a fat person in the mirror. I didn’t notice that I had gained so much weight, what did it matter? I was the fat girl wasn’t I? I was just living up to my reputation.

For the record, I didn’t see anything in this article that actually stated that fat people cannot have an eating disorder, I’m just expressing my opinion based on what I know of the popular consensus regarding fat people and health.

So we’ll start smaller. Baby steps. I won’t give you my entire background in one post, it will be brief glimpses over time. After all, when you first meet someone, wouldn’t it be awkward if they sat and told you their entire life story? Every good or bad thing (especially the bad) that ever happened to them? Although even as I say that, there have been people that I barely knew that I shared a lot of intimate details of my life, but it was part of a conversation where we both learned about one another. Sometimes those intense spur of the moment heart-to-hearts are like medicine for the soul, and your realize things about yourself that you never saw before, and writing can do the same thing. But still, even in those situations, I don’t blurt out everything, there is still restraint.

My first attempt that this post was just that. Facts. Numbers. X + Y = Z. I hope you can understand, but I just can’t do it like that.

We’ll start with: I’m fat, like REALLY fat, and I’m okay with it.

Let that sink in a little bit.

For some people, this will make you squirm a little. In person, you might laugh nervously, avoid eye contact or even deny it, when we both know that’s not the case.

Listen, I appreciate the gesture, the attempt at “making me feel better” with a lie that you don’t really mean, but the truth is that I don’t need anyone to make any comments about it either way. I make no apologies for being fat, and I don’t need to justify my existence with some other redeeming quality. If I have good qualities, then great, those things will certainly help me in life, but it’s not a license to live. What I’d really like is a non-reaction. Do people console a thin person if they mention that they are thin? It’s just a description, a body type, and is not offensive. I mention I’m fat because I don’t want to pretend like I’m not any longer.

Well, the cat’s out of the bag. I know I’m fat. Let’s all take a huge sigh of relief and go about our business.

Next, let’s cover how fat does not equal unhealthy. I know that it’s a hard concept to grasp when every major media outlet known to man is telling everyone that obesity is a disease. Fun fact: obesity is not a disease. In fact, I see a ton of people on Facebook who worship in the religion of science, and bow down before what they proclaim are Real Science Facts. To be honest, Science and Mathematics and such are not really my forte, but if they were, you better believe I would actually research things instead of just sharing major media news articles and pass myself off as some kind of authority on the subject. However, being that I am what you might call a skeptic, I have a healthy distrust of authority including the state, media, and “conventional wisdom.”

When I heard of the concept that not all fat people are unhealthy, it clicked. As I said before, I am not the most scientific person at all, so I don’t get very far attempting to read medical journals, but I’ve read some blogs commenting on them, explaining the study, what the results mean, etc, and found that there’s still a lot that we don’t know about… just about everything, and one of the most important things to consider: correlation is not causation. There are many different factors at play, and fat people are all over the map. If “obesity” (the word makes me cringe, so air quotes it is) is truly a disease, why aren’t ALL fat people diabetic or something?

I was so worried that I was unhealthy because of my weight. I went to the doctor for a physical for the first time in over 10 years and got all of my bloodwork done. And you know what? I’m fine. I am REALLY fat and I am fine. For all of these years, I’ve assumed that there’s something wrong with me. I’ve gained so much weight and never seemed to notice, never seeing anything but a fat person in the mirror that I was blind to my body. I wanted to pretend that it didn’t exist. I avoided all types of physical activity because I was ashamed of myself and I thought that I couldn’t do it. So the depression came and the weight piled on year after year.

It wasn’t until I took the blinders off that I realized there was a problem here. At first I thought the answer was to diet and exercise like crazy. I was only half right. The real answer is to actually learn to listen to my body. I am capable of it, but it’s been so long that I literally have to relearn how to eat, how to move, how to be. Obsessing over calories in VS calories out isn’t normal. It used to depress me so much that I was incapable of providing my body what it needed. But how could I do that if I wasn’t LISTENING to it?

That’s where the Health at Every Size approach comes in. The idea is that no matter what size you are, whether you are thin or fat, you can be healthy NOW. You don’t have to wait to lose 20, 50 or 100+ pounds to be healthy and start your life. Live NOW. I used to get depressed just thinking about all the weight I’ve gained, and think about things I wanted to do once I got my weight down, like have kids. All that did was freak me out because I thought “what if I never lose the weight? then I will never have children?” Meanwhile, contrary to what the media wants you to believe, fat people have kids all the time and for most it’s a non-event. For those who have problems, some are legitimate, while others are simply because the doctor had a bias against them because of their weight, and not because there was an actual problem.

It has been a struggle, but I strongly believe that before I can settle into the weight my body naturally wants to be at, I have to accept myself, and stop ignoring my body’s signals to eat or not eat, move or sit still. And it’s HARD, because all I’ve ever heard my whole life is that being fat is a terrible thing. Did you notice how before I said that I was OKAY with being fat? Okay is not a strong affirmation. Honestly, I’m not completely there yet; but I’m working on it.

Like I said before: baby steps.

I’m not really sure how I found them, but I found them on Netflix one day. I started watching Playful Kiss, and loved it so much I started watching others, and that’s pretty much how the obsession was born. I have a pretty good feel for how the language sounds, and could probably tell the difference between a person speaking say, Japanese versus Korean. I’m really into Japanese Anime too.

So, maybe you’re like me and you’re interested in Kdrama…here’s a list of some shows I’ve watched and a brief review. It’s been awhile since I’ve watched some of these so I may not remember names and whatnot entirely…so forgive me! All of these should be available on Netflix — that’s where I watched them.

I also want to add — one thing I love about these shows is that there’s a level of “innocence” to them. Yeah, some drama is going on but a lot of the time it’s a misunderstanding, and there’s virtually no sex, or hardly even kissing, unlike the trashy American TV we have . The stories are cute, engaging, the characters are engaging, and overall, you just want to keep watching one episode after another in super marathon mode… which is not so good for my sleep schedule but you have been warned at least!

Prosecutor Princess
I was actually kind of surprised how GOOD this drama was, and it has taken over my number one slot unequivocally. If you are new to Kdrama, I think this would be a good one to start with, and quite frankly, may ruin you for some of the other shows. The plot is more than typical “rich person falls in love with poor person.” The characters have a lot of depth, and there are several layers of things going on that you don’t really realize until the second half of the show. The beginning is a little misleading because the main character seems a bit shallow, but then to see her transformation at the end, is really heartwarming. The love story is really sweet, too. Also, it doesn’t hurt, but the leading man, Seo In Woo is super hot… girl, let me tell you… that smile could melt ice. I just know I will be rewatching this one in the future. I wasn’t feeling well when I was watching this one, and stayed up until as late was 3am playing one episode after another because I couldn’t get enough! This one… you don’t want it to end. And it does kind of end abruptly. I think they were planning for 20 episodes, but it only got 16 so they wrapped it up a little too quickly, but it’s still my favorite. You will laugh and you will cry on this one!

Playful Kiss
This was my first one, and was my favorite for quite awhile. This one is definitely cute… although the leading man can be such a jerk sometimes! BUT, even he becomes endearing in the end. I don’t think I’m giving anything away for saying this, but towards the end he stands up for Oh Hi Ni, and it’s really sweet. I’m just like, GO Sueng Jo!!! Under his cool exterior he actually forms an admiration and love for Oh Hi Ni.

Lie to Me
It’s funny, when I first started watching this I thought the leading actress was the same actress as from Playful Kiss. They have a very similar look but when you see pictures of the two next to each other you can definitely tell they aren’t the same person… and through my online searches I found it was not uncommon for them to be compared to one another, but the actress from Lie to Me is older and came out first. Both girls are very pretty, but anyway… I liked this drama a lot. They don’t mean to fall in love but it happens through the course oftheir tumultuous “relationship” … which began when the leading lady wanted to make one of her friends jealous and lied about being married to a rich businessman.

Boys Over Flowers
It’s hard not to like Jan Di… she’s a fiery, strong character, but she makes a lot of enemies at the prestigious high school she winds up attending through a twist of fate. At some point, the leader of F4 (the wealthiest and hottest guys at the school) falls for Jan Di… but like a lot of dramas, the relationship between a rich man and a poor woman is not approved, and they have to go through a lot in order to be together. Even though at first Jan Di doesn’t even want to be with him…

My Princess
The plot for this story is a bit different from the typical story, so it stood out in that regard, but it’s a rags to riches kind of story. Still, it’s cute and I recommend it!

Secret Garden
This one is… a little weird quite frankly. It’s trying to do something a little different by having them switch bodies, but it doesn’t completely make sense. It’s kind of “fantastic” that way, but also very “normal” … so much so that I wonder why they even bothered to have this magical element to it. This wasn’t my favorite, but it still kept me watching until the end!

Spring Waltz
This one had me bawling like a baby. It’s a very moving story about a long-lost tragic love where fate brings them back together again, but not without consequences and hurting their friends. It’s definitely an emotional one, but like most of these Kdramas… there’s a happy ending.

Summer Scent
This one is also a story about fate. I liked this story, but I found it was very slow in parts… it was almost painful to watch at times because of that… but I wanted to keep going because I had to finish it. I really fought the urge to speed through parts. The ending was abrupt, but I think it was appropriate. In the end, it was a really sweet story, but I don’t think I could watch it again. Fun fact: leading dude (Minwoo) in this drama is the same leading dude in My Princess, except with a very different hair style. I kept thinking to myself that he looked sooo familiar, and finally figured it out. This drama came out before My Princess so he’s a big younger in this one.

Flower Boy Ramen Shop
I actually really liked this one and finished it in lightning speed (like I did with Prosecutor Princess). I loved the personalities on these. Also, now that I’ve seen quite a few Kdramas I picked up on some Secret Garden references in this one, like the blue sequined jump suit, haha. The relationship between the two lead characters, and the love triangle really, is similar to Secret Garden, except no weirdo body switching a la Freaky Friday going on. I.e. leading rich dude can’t figure out why he can’t get poor leading lady out of his head and because he’s a dense, self-absorbed rich dude he can’t seem to figure it out, until some people point it out to him and he realizes he’s, in fact, in love. I kinda like these stories though because it takes an obnoxious character and makes them lovable because they grow has human beings throughout the show.

So, yeah that’s my summary so far. Be on the lookout for more Kdramas as I watch them or in another group post like this one. Feel free to suggest others you think I might like in the comments below, I’m on the prowl. I prefer Netflix though because I can watch them comfortably on my iPad.

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Note: Keep in mind my ingredient measurements here are approximate… I am a pinch of this pinch of that cook so if something looks too little or too much, adjust accordingly. Thank you!

Ingredients

• 2-3 chicken breasts, cubed
• 1 package Archer Farms Farro or Brown Rice Ready to Serve pouch
• 2tsp Better than Bouillon Chicken & approx 2 cups of water (you can also just use chicken stock)
• ⅓ cup of Wine or Cooking Wine – I used a Zinfandel
• 1 small onion, diced
• 1 cup (or so) of veggies — your pick, I used peas & shredded carrots
• ¼ – ⅓ stick of butter
• Cheese – to taste, I used about 5 slices of Swiss and Cheddar combined
• ¼ cup of Heavy Cream
• Spices: sea salt, onion powder, paprika, nutmeg and thyme – you can use whatever you have on hand that blends well together

Directions

1. In a small saucepan combine 2tsp of Better than Bouillon, water and wine and bring to a light boil. Once boiling reduce heat and keep warm.
2. In a large skillet, melt 2 pats or so of butter and saute your chicken with sea salt until cooked and internal temperature reaches 160 degrees, about 8 minutes. Remove from pan and reserve.
3. In the same pan, melt some more butter and saute the onion until translucent, about 5-7 minutes. Add a ladle full of broth and cook until the liquid evaporates.
4. Add your other vegetables to the pan along with more of your broth mixture. Stir frequently and keep adding broth as it reduces. Reserve approx ½ cup.
5. Once vegetables are fully cooked and the liquids have been reduced, approximately 5-10 minutes, add the remaining liquid and Farro to the skillet.
6. After liquids have reduced some, stir in the cheese and heavy cream.
7. Add all of your spices, and stir thoroughly. I did this about three times. On all of the spices, I used onion powder the most liberally, then salt, and only a pinch of nutmeg, paprika and thyme.
8. Turn off the burner, and allow to cool and thicken for a few minutes before serving!